"We must strive with energies of heart, soul
and mind to develop and manifest the perfections and virtues latent
within the realities of the phenomenal world, for the human reality may
be compared to a seed. If we sow the seed, a mighty tree appears from
it. The virtues of the seed are revealed in the tree; it puts forth
branches, leaves, blossoms, and produces fruits. All these virtues were
hidden and potential in the seed. Through the blessing and bounty of
cultivation these virtues became apparent. Similarly the merciful God
our creator has deposited within human realities certain virtues latent
and potential. Through education and culture, these virtues deposited by
the loving God will become apparent in the human reality even as the
unfoldment of the tree from within the germinating seed."
parenting. it's a loaded word. it becomes part of our consciousness the moment we discover a new life is growing within our womb, and then enters an organic journey of continual stages of evolution until we leave this world.
when i reflect on the first sentence of the quote above, i feel as if there is not a moment in a parent's life to relax in the ways of helping their children grow. striving
'with energies of heart, soul and mind to develop and manifest the perfections and virtues latent with the realities of the phenomenal world' requires endless, tireless, conscious, wholehearted exertions. it implies drawing upon one's inner powers of sacrifice, wisdom and embodying the necessary virtues and perfections oneself to set an example for the child.
parenting, then, from a Baha'i perspective, requires
an all-encompassing, never-ending, ever-evolving investment of effort
and focused attention toward being a most loving, wise and supportive
pillar for a child's life.
"For mothers are the first educators, the first mentors; and truly it
is the mothers who determine the happiness, the future greatness, the
courteous ways and learning and judgement, the understanding and the
faith of their little ones."
~ Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 126
 |
| Domani (8 yrs), Dyami (11 yrs) and Ayana (13 yrs) |
for me, parenting has been one
never-ending learning experience full of ups and downs, trials and
victories, joy and pain. ultimately it is the crucible for my own
spiritual development as i immerse myself in the rigors of raising 3
souls in the attributes of selflessness, the love of God and humble
servitude. our children are in the long process of learning about these
qualities so that as adults they can actually embody them..
♥ BECOMING PARENTS:
my
husband and i became parents in 1998 (before digital cameras and
Facebook). i was 30 years old and we lived in America. although we
felt like we didn't fit into the typical American mold of what people do
and how they live, we found ourselves embracing the typical
middle-class ideas of how to prepare for becoming parents: we bought a
nice wooden crib and set up a little room for 'the baby'. it was an
idea that we didn't give much thought about except that it would be the
place where the baby would sleep and be nursed.
looking
back it seems very odd to us, almost cruel and strange, that a helpless
baby just brought into this world would be kept alone in a room by
herself for the entire night. nonetheless, this is what we agreed upon
at that time: nurse her to sleep, put her down in the crib, go back to
the room to nurse when she woke up crying, put her down again.. this
didn't last too long before she and i started nursing lying down on the
floor on some blankets and me leaving her to go back to bed with my
husband. sometimes i'd fall asleep on the floor with her for the rest
of the night. eventually we brought her into our bed and nursed her to
sleep until the age of 2. this is one of many examples along our
journey whereby we came into parenting ignorant and soon discovered for
ourselves what resonated with our souls, rather than society's general
expectations and marketing schemes for becoming a parent.
a
spiritual way of life was instantly woven and knit into our children's
discovery of this world. those early years were days and nights of
singing and chanting prayers to babies, teaching them the language of
prayer, creating a
Montessori learning environment,
training them in good manners and courteous ways, and having as much
joy in our home as possible. for as sweet and beautiful as it was, it
was full of difficulties and learning through painful moments.
life
took on the familiar rhythm of facing a crisis; needing (and learning
how) to consult about how to resolve it with a unified decision;
implementing the decision through consistent and continual effort in
training the child's (or our own) behavior; and then easing through the
days with a new pattern of learned behavior until facing another
crisis. i had to look at myself most of the time before trying to
correct my child's behavior. was i patient? could i have been paying
closer attention? am i not providing what s/he needs emotionally?
these types of questions are the basis from which we have grown into
parents who are consciously striving to grow spiritually, demanding
better conduct and a purified character to better guide, protect, care
for and love these children who are dependent on us, just as we are
dependent on God for His loving-kindness and protection from ourselves.
as
the years have progressed, new rhythms and patterns of our daily life
as a
family have evolved. we learned from the Montessori philosophy how
there are
cycles of development
in a child's life, from one stage to the next. with this understanding
we were able to understand some of the changes that were occurring in
their psyche from one stage to the next. we have continued to pray,
sing, drum and recite together in the evenings as part of our daily
routine, while a few years ago my husband introduced a special time
together that we call 'family friday night'. these activities are woven
into a Baha'i way of life. now that 2 of our children
are in the junior youth stage of development, we are drawing upon Baha'i
resources and
materials
to understand how to best nurture their capacity for becoming youth who
are distinguished as leaders in both moral and academic excellence.
with
3 children at different stages of development, our family is a bundle
of learning through mistakes and being reminded that we are souls on a
spiritual journey called life. the greatest lessons have come from
backbiting, lying, selfishness, disrespect and an unkindly tongue. as
they stumble and sometimes fall, we are there to provide divine counsel
and moral encouragement. we are there to
listen and forgive. we are there, as parents, to walk the path of spiritual growth with them..
♥ AS A
BAHA'I:
the
view of being a mother is of such a high
station that i felt like i was entering a most significant stage in my
life. we agreed that what worked for us was me not working outside of
the home while our children were young. through countless
consultations, our intentions remained focused on conducting ourselves
in as many of the perfections of God as we could, including how we
spoke, what we spoke about, what we chose to do with our time, what the
child was exposed to, what was on the television, etc. we knew we were
responsible to God to strive to be the best parents we can be to prepare
this new soul's life for its
destiny as a servant of God. for me this meant the beginning of
disciplining myself while choosing how i spent my time, who i spent it
with, the manner in which i spoke, etc. as soon as our first child was
born i entered the realm of selflessness to a degree that forced me to
grow up spiritually in many ways.
as a couple, my husband and i are always a team; we are one. there is
no division between us in their eyes. if we have to consult about an
issue, we remove ourselves and talk about it until we have an
agreement. the decision may be wrong, but we are in agreement so there
is unity. without unity there is no light, no energy, no power for the
family unit to thrive on. the Baha'i way is that unity is right, not
our opinion. it is better to be wrong about something and agreed, than
to argue about what we think is right and create estrangement and
disunity. this method of consultation in Baha'i family life requires
humility. it requires sacrifice and detachment, qualities that demand
subduing one's ego.
less then 2 years after our first child was born, the
Universal House of Justice -- the international governing body of the Baha'is of the world -- issued a
Message
addressing the vital concerns regarding children throughout the world.
this Message spoke to my heart like a magnetic field, attracting every
part of my heart toward the loftiest standards by which our children
need to be raised:
“…there is a pressing challenge to be faced: Our
children need to be nurtured spiritually and to be integrated into the life of
the Cause. They should not be left to drift in a world so laden with moral
dangers. In the current state of society, children face a cruel fate. Millions
and millions in country after country are dislocated socially. Children find
themselves alienated by parents and other adults whether they live in
conditions of wealth or poverty. This alienation has its roots in a selfishness
that is born of materialism that is at the core of the godlessness seizing the
hearts of people everywhere. The social dislocation of children in our time is
a sure mark of a society in decline; this condition is not, however, confined
to any race, class, nation or economic condition- it cuts across them all. It
grieves our hearts to realize that in so many parts of the world children are
employed as soldiers, exploited as labourers, sold into virtual slavery, forced
into prostitution, made the objects of pornography, abandoned by parents
centred on their own desires, and subjected to other forms of victimization too
numerous to mention. Many such horrors are inflicted by the parents themselves
upon their own children. The spiritual and psychological damage defies estimation. Our worldwide
community cannot escape the consequences of these conditions. This realization
should spur us all to urgent and sustained effort in the interests of children
and the future.
"..Spiritual education of
children and junior youth are of paramount importance to the further progress
of the community. It is therefore imperative that this deficiency be remedied.
Institutes must be certain to include in their programmes the training of
teachers of children’s classes, who can make their services available to local
communities. But although providing spiritual and academic education for
children is essential, this represents only a part of what must go into
developing their characters and shaping their personalities. The necessity
exists, too, for individuals and the institutions at all levels, which is to
say the community as a whole, to show a proper attitude towards children and to
take a general interest in their welfare. Such an attitude should be far
removed from that of a rapidly declining order.
"Children are the most precious treasure a
community can possess, for in them are the promise and guarantee of the future.
They bear the seeds of the character of future society which is largely shaped
by what the adults constituting the community do or fail to do with respect to
children. They are a trust no community can neglect with impunity. An
all-embracing love of children, the manner of treating them, the quality of the
attention shown them, the spirit of adult behaviour toward them; these are all
among the vital aspects of the requisite attitude. Love demands discipline, the
courage to accustom children to hardship, not to indulge their whims or leave
them entirely to their own devices. An atmosphere needs to be maintained in
which children feel that they belong to the community and share in its purpose.
They must lovingly but insistently be guided to live up to Baha’i standards, to
study and teach the Cause in ways that are suited to their circumstances.”
Baha'is
use the analogy of a seed sprouting and being nurtured until it grows
into a strong tree to describe the spiritual reality of a soul as it
grows in this life. the child is like the young plant in dire need of
care and gentle affection, tenderness and love, until it begins it's
period of youth when it is receives a different degree of care. my
husband and i responded to this Message by seeing ourselves as the signs
of God for our child -- so if we were just and kind, they would learn
that God is just and kind. this is true for all of the virtues of God,
and this is how we spoke to the children about everything, using the
language of virtues to identify any circumstance. instead of saying to
them, 'Say thank you' we asked them, 'How do you show your
appreciation?' instead of saying something negative like, 'That's
wrong' we would offer something like, 'What virtue are you forgetting to
practice?'
i am far from the high standard of being a
spiritual parent who is always patient, calm, wise and compassionate. i
continue to make many mistakes, every day. when i became a mother i was full of
spiritual immaturity and felt overwhelmed and oftentimes inadequate. yet through
prayer and consultation, my husband and i have worked together to
live by one of the many counsels of Baha'u'llah:
"The most vital duty in this day is to purify your characters, to correct your manners, and improve your conduct."
as we strive to overcome our faults and shortcomings as parents, we continue painting a
canvas of virtues for them to see in themselves. we encourage them to
tap into their God-given potential and use it to develop as spiritual
human beings who love God and desire to serve the world of humanity
rather them merely themselves. the journey of learning is far from
over.. as parenting continues each and every day..
